Aesthetics & Feel: 94/100

Here is a list of categorically badass things that are totally unrelated to this review:

Navy Seals. Beef Jerky. Polar Bears. Bowling. Snapping Turtles. HIMARS. Christmas Morning. Sourdough Bread. ESEE-5 Survival Knife.

Build quality: 96/100

This knife is beefy, and I mean beefy. With a 1/4-inch-thick blade and a weight that feels like a pocket-sized anvil, the ESEE-5 is not for the faint of heart, or wrist. At 11 inches overall, with a blade length of 5.25 inches, this is a knife that demands respect (and possibly a gym membership). Its powder-coated blade finish resists corrosion well but tends to show scratches over time. These blemishes won’t affect performance and are more of a battle scar than a flaw.

Despite its size and weight, the micarta handle scales are surprisingly ergonomic, offering a comfortable grip even in wet conditions. However, if you have small hands, the handle might feel a bit like shaking hands with the famous lawyer, Jack Kelly.

Performance: 88/100

I beat the piss out of this thing, and it did what a $200 hunk of metal should do – rust. This knife isn’t just a looker-it’s a doer. The ESEE-5 excels at heavy-duty tasks like chopping, splitting, and pounding through wood. Its thickness and weight make it feel more like a compact machete than a traditional survival knife. That said, it’s not exactly a precision instrument – unless of course you are smashing through windows with the built-in glass breaker on the pommel.

Delicate tasks like feather sticking or food prep feel clunky with the ESEE-5, but let’s be honest: this isn’t the knife you bring to slice cucumbers. It’s the knife you bring to chop down a tree, break a window, or fight a bear.

Value: 61/100

At a price point of around $170, the ESEE-5 is expensive, and it’s not a one-size-fits-all solution. The weight and size may not appeal to everyone, and for lighter tasks or extended use, there are more versatile and ergonomic options available in the same price range.

If you tend to (selectively) wear rose-colored glasses as I do, you can justify the price knowing that ESEE’s lifetime warranty will essentially guarantee you a high quality survival blade indefinitely.